The Onion recently posted an article entitled, Changes To The SAT, which provided a comprehensive list of the various changes that have been made to the standardized test. Recently, The College Board decided upon the following additional changes:
- Due to the numerous complaints about the SATs lengthy test time (3 hrs 45 mins), the entire test will be broken down into 3 minute sections, which will be administered once a week (likely on Saturday mornings) over the course of 75 weeks.
- New demographic questions will ask about the students’ race and parents’ income. Historically, Caucasian students with wealthy parents have been deprived of the educational and vocational opportunities as compared to their racially diverse and significantly poorer counterparts. In order to ensure that wealthy Caucasian students receive the same opportunities as underprivileged racial minorities, 50 additional points will be added to each of the Caucasian student’s test scores.
- Extended time, which is typically offered to students with learning disabilities and attention regulation disorders, will not be offered, as the test administrators have things they need to do later that day.
- Souvenir SAT baseball caps will be provided to boost motivation and improve student self-esteem in social situations.
- In order to minimize the extremely competitive nature of the SATs, the scoring system will be simplified to receiving either a happy face sticker, a neutral face sticker, or a sad face sticker.
- Due to the popularity and difficulty controlling social media, students will be allowed to post a maximum of 20 tweets, and/or 5 Facebook comments while testing.
- Research shows that student performance improves when monitored by one or both of their parents. Parents will be required to attend the SAT session and stand directly over their child’s shoulder during testing.
- Students will be provided with the option to take the test at home as long as they sign the Honor System Contract.
- In order to decrease student distractibility and improve focus, students will have the option to sit next to a “designated ugly person,” because let’s face it, you don’t learn shit when you’re sitting next to the hot girl.
- Due to the heightened stress and anxiety associated with the SATs, free samples of Xanax will be provided in bulk.