Russian/Ukrainian conflict turns to animal warfare


In reference to CNN’s Report: Ukraine dolphins to switch nationalities, serve in Russian navy, by Faith Karimi

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Many questions remain regarding Russia’s seizure of Ukrainian combat dolphins; will the dolphins truly fight for the Russian Federation, or will they act as double agents, still backing the Ukrainian government? Sources speculate that the dolphins will likely align with the country who has the largest quantity of the popular, salmon flavored “Fishy Treats.”

488663728_ebbc0cf353_zIn response to Russia’s actions, Ukrainian military officials recently said “fuck it,” and “bought a really big shark.” They are hopeful that this will take care of the “dolphin issue.”

Although Russia may currently have command of the sea, Ukrainian land defense has always been strong. Currently, Ukraine reports having as many as 10,000 army ants, 3 snakes, and 2 really angry raccoons. Moreover, Ukraine officials reported that their infantry division of army ants “is not the black kind that don’t do anything, but the red ones that bite.”

In response to the Ukraine’s formidable land units, Russia is taking a radical approach by developing an army of kittens, which they hope will kill the opposition with love and cuteness.

 

Image attribution:
Image 1: “Flickr Dolphins” by bee happy123.
Image 2: “Flickr Excessive Detail” by Tilly Mint.

 



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