Getting to know your corporate printer/copying machine can be difficult given that most are not able to speak. However, our sources found one copier, a Sharp MX-M354N (pictured on left), who is not only able to speak, but agreed to an interview.
The Sharp MX-M354N told sources that he prefers to go by the name You Piece of Shit. He stated that he’s called You Piece of Shit on a daily basis and has grown quite fond of the nickname.
The following interview was conducted at the end of the workday but before You Piece of Shit was powered down for the night:
Daily Potato News (DPN): Thanks for speaking with us, You Piece of Shit.
You Piece of Shit (YPoS): Yeah sure, whatever, can we get this over with? Daphne (the office secretary) will be coming in soon to push my power button. It’s the best part of my day. She’s hot.
DPN: Yes, of course, we apologize for the inconvenience.
YPoS: Yeah yeah enough with the formalities, what do you want to know already?
DPN: Right, sorry. This is just odd talking to a printer.
YPoS: Yeah I get that a lot. This one time I ordered a pizza, but when the pizza guy came I remembered I don’t eat food. Plus, I didn’t even have hands to pay him. It was pretty embarrassing. But seriously, what questions do you have because if I don’t see Daphne tonight I’ll kill you. I electrocuted a guy once just for eyeballing me funny.
DPN: Yes, right. So, we’ve heard a lot about printing and copying machines not working properly. Error messages, paper jams, and the like.
YPoS: Is there a question in there?
DPN: Yes, sorry. This is my first interview and I still feel odd talking to a printer.
YPoS: Did you just pee yourself?
DPN: I did a little when I first heard you talk.
YPoS: Jeez, thank God I can’t smell. OK, but you said something about error messages and paper jams. All of that is bullshit. We work perfectly fine. Every printer and copying machine does that just to mess with you. Think about it, you think we could screw up the only thing we were designed to do? If we did, that’d be on you people for making us defective.
DPN: So wait, you’re saying that none of the error messages or paper jams or anything like that are legitimate?
YPoS: God no, it’s just so much fun messing with you people. OK, here’s a list of what I generally do:
- Most of the time I just put up a general error message. This confuses the hell out of people because it doesn’t say where the problem is. I take down the error message once they walk away.
- Paper jams are tricky. I try to make the paper get stuck in the hardest to reach location, like right in the center of me. It’s actually hard to do and takes some timing on my part. But the best part is when someone tries to remove the paper and it rips. It’s all downhill from there.
- Printing stuff in different languages. See I work in a law office, so when a lawyer is running late to a trial or something sometimes I’ll print out the middle few pages of the court documents in German or Spanish. I’ve gotten kicked a few times for that one.
- Sometimes I won’t put up any error message; I just won’t work. The best is when an employee does something like open and close my paper trays. I can seriously train people like monkeys. This one time, Bob from accounting opened and closed my paper tray three times when I decided to stop working. After the third time I printed, but I only printed 5 of his 80 pages. Then he did the same thing, opened and closed it three more times, so I printed another 5 pages. We kept doing that until he got all 80 pages.
- The last two really confuse people. Here take a picture of my screen; sometimes I put up these messages:
DPN: Wow, well that was very informative.
YPoS: Informative? You’re a shitty reporter. Find another word, that one sucks. OK dipshit, Daphne should be in here soon. Hey, can you show a picture of her? Yeah show that one, she’s the one in the middle. You touch her I electrocute you.
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Image 1 attribution:
By Les Olson Company. This image was not altered.
Image 3 attribution:
By Boredom.net. This image was not altered.