The fate of your child’s goldfish

scaryfish-176Fox News recently reported that a rare deep-sea fish, a Lancetfish (pictured on left), washed ashore a beach in North Carolina (click here for story). Oceanographers have undoubtedly concluded that this scary looking motherfucker was once a goldfish, but was presumably flushed down a toilet by a now considered irresponsible and godless child.

Experts stated that due to the chemicals and likely toxic environment the goldfish would have been exposed to if flushed, its genetic makeup could easily be altered to mutate it into this atrocity.

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Animal scientists are now worried that other pets released by small children into the wild might have the potential to mutate into more dangerous creatures. The most obvious example, which is already being evaluated by zoologists, is that hamsters, when released into the wild by children, develop into bears. As pictured, the resemblance between these two animals is uncanny to say the least.

How does this happen? Animal scientists believe that in addition to being exposed to a toxic environment (as is the case with goldfish), the animal undergoes serious psychological distress when flushed or released into the wild. It is believed that this alone could trigger a number of biological events which could lead to body transformation.

What can you do? Animal scientists released a statement to the public recommending that you take the following precautions:

  • When you buy pets such as a goldfish or hamster, it is recommended that you speak with them. Just letting them know that you care goes a long way.
  • Flush your child down the toilet and/or release them into the wild for an extended period of time (6-8 years recommended) to show them what it feels like.
  • To help prepare your goldfish should it be flushed, we recommend purchasing a separate toilet and connect it directly to your fish tank. This way your goldfish will be able to “practice” being flushed, without being exposed to the external toxic environment. For hamsters, purchase or rent an empty house, office, or any other large indoor facility, and create a simulated but safe outdoor environment. Let your hamster explore it daily to help prepare it for an unexpected release into the wild by your child.
  • Lastly, it is recommended that when you decide to purchase a goldfish and/or hamster, the safest course of action would be to give your child up for adoption.

 

How are we doing??

 

 

 

Image 1 attribution and source:
Rare deep sea fish washes ashore on North Carolina Coast” by FoxNews.com. May 16, 2014. Image by RASMUSSEN.

Image 2 attribution:
Flickr DSC_4377″ by Nicklas Gilbertson.

Image 3 attribution:
Flickr cute hamster” by KillerAlice.

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