Local resident, 38-year-old Leon Gilmen, was presented with a considerable dilemma when visiting his local grocery store. As Mr. Gilmen exited his car in the grocery store parking lot he noticed that representatives from the Salvation Army were collecting donations at the store entrance.

“It was horrible,” commented Mr. Gilmen. “Those people are Nazis, they never let me pass until I give them money.  One time I just gave them a few pennies and they blocked me from going in the store and told me it was closed. It was 2 in the afternoon and people were walking in and out right in front of me.” Mr. Gilmen further stated, “Plus everyone I know shops there and if I don’t donate it’ll look like I don’t care about humanity or some shit.”

Rather than go home and return the next day, as Mr. Gilmen has done several times before, he decided to create a small distraction so that he could sneak by the Salvation Army representatives unnoticed. As seen later that day on the 5 pm news, Mr. Gilmen set a small fire behind the store. As customers exited the grocery store in a mass panic, Mr. Gilmen snuck in, bought his groceries, and then snuck out without being noticed. Mr. Gilmen then gave our reporter a high-five and said, “donate that, bitches!” We told him that his statement made no logical sense but that we generally understood what he was getting at.

Image 1 attribution:
“wnyc.org” 

Image 2 attribution:
“cdc.gov”  

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Tags: Comedy, daily potato news, fire, funny, laughs, parody, salvation army, sarcasm, sarcastic, satire, the daily potato, the onion