Luvatocin: A cure for side effects

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The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) is currently “fast-tracking” a new drug through their approval process. A spokesman for the FDA stated that the fast-tracking procedure is relatively new and is the quickest and most efficient way to get new medications into the hands of those who are in need. All that is required is that you pay the FDA a large sum of money and provide a brief description of what you think the medication should be used for. Since the FDA does no formal testing of the drugs safety or efficacy, the medication will be FDA approved as soon as the payment clears. The FDA spokesman assured us that this fast-tracking procedure is not about the money (although he was very enthusiastic about his $80,000 Tuesday bonuses), but that it will help millions of Americans get new medications that will probably help them.

Luvatocin, which has already been fast-tracked by the FDA can be prescribed by any medical doctor. It is recommended that you take this medication in conjunction with any other medications that cause unwanted side effects. Luvatocin will supposedly mitigate the most common side effects associated with other medications, such as nausea, headache, fatigue, excessive sweating, and blurred vision.

***Luvatocin is an FDA approved medication to help mitigate the most common side effects of other medications; however, Luvatocin is associated with a number of side effects. When taking Luvatocin, you may experience any or all of the following: Abdominal pain, Aggressive or hostile behavior, Agitation, Angina (sudden acute pain), Anorexia, Blisters or rash, Blood pressure and pulse changes, Changes in mood, Changes in sex drive, Chest pain, Constipation, Depression, Diarrhea, Difficulty breathing or swallowing, Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep, Dizziness, Dry mouth, Irregular heartbeat, Fever, Hallucinations, Heartburn, Hives, Hoarseness, Hypersensitivity, Increased irritability, Insomnia, Involuntary tics and twitching, Itching, Liver problems, Loss of appetite, Mania, Mental/mood changes, Muscle or joint pain, Nervousness, Painful menstruation, Psychosis, Purple blotches under the skin, Rash, Restlessness, Seizures, Slow or difficult speech, Sore throat, Stomach pain, Stuffed or runny nose, Stunted growth, Suicidal thoughts, Swelling inside the nose, Swelling of the eyes, face, tongue, or throat, Toxic psychosis, Unusual bleeding or bruising, Unusual sadness or crying, Violent behavior, Vomiting, Weakness or numbness of an arm or leg, Zombie like demeanor, and/or death. 

 

Image attribution:
Flickr Medication Pills” By hit thatswitch. This image was not altered.

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2 replies

  1. This is not really a funny thing. Its more total honesty isn’t it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve railed for years about the extensive list of common side effects for my medications, but never as brilliantly as this article does. I felt both amused and vindicated as I read it.

    Liked by 1 person

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