Optical STDs and cupcakes

Daily Potato News has begun accepting article contributions to help other writers get their voice out there. We received the following message from Caitlin, a writer from South Africa, who grew up riding elephants to school and defending her family against herds of vicious antelope. She writes from around the world, trying to get away from the incessant voices in her head. If you want to read more from Caitlin, find her at theindiebutterfly.wordpress.com, where she writes about travel, life, and the best places to not get arrested.

Caitlin wrote:
  • On Tuesday the 10th of June, a young and upcoming writer sent a message to Daily Potato News, expressing an interest in contributing. “I thought it was a well-informed site about health and food issues” said the writer, “You know, a potato a day keeps the model scouts away. Before I knew it, my eyes were red and itchy, and all of my previous websites shunned me. They acted like we had never been together. I was ashamed.” This particular case of optical STD was contracted due to the writers own negligence. “I should have listened to the team at Daily Potato News. They warned me – but I thought it would never happen on my first time.” Due to the serious nature of the condition, she has no choice but to join the team. “Now that I’ve dealt with the shock, I’m excited to spread Daily Potato News all over the world.” In her final comment to us, the young lady said.”I’ve accepted it. I’ve gone viral.”

We would like to thank Caitlin for writing to us; however, she has acquired a severe case of an optical STD. Believe it or not, 100% of doctors have absolutely no clue what an optical STD is and will actually laugh at you if you try to describe it. And people thought doctors were so smart. An optical STD is a sexually transmitted disease of the eyes which is contracted when viewing stupid shit on the internet. Your eyes get red and itchy and will likely just explode (sorry Caitlin). For example, this article falls under the stupid shit category and you’re likely acquiring an optical STD at this very moment.

Once acquired, you can then transmit the optical STD to things you are looking at on the internet. It’s a sexually transmitted disease though so you have to look at things on the internet in a sexual way. For example, our friend Caitlin wrote an interesting article entitled, “Cupcakes and Swimsuit Models.” In this article she put the following image of cupcakes:

cup1-e1402061595109

Looks tasty, right? Wrong. After Caitlin stared at these cupcakes in a sexual manner (she has a thing for baked goods, don’t worry it’s not illegal), the cupcakes became infected with her eye disease:

Cupcakes2
Thanks, Caitlin, for ruining cupcakes for the rest of the world. We still urge you to visit her blog though, her sense of humor makes up for her eye disease.
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Lastly, we would like to urge you to keep the following STD safety tips in mind:
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Always wear clear plastic glove thingies when holding hands with your partner
1
When presented with the option of choosing Pokemon or an STD, choose Pokemon
2
Always apologize with a cookie cake
3
Image 1 attribution:
Gooey and Sweet STD Cupcakes, Anyone?” by Lily Streeter on AnimalNewYork.com. This image was not altered.
Image 2 attribution:
Webmd.com This image was not altered.
Image 3 attribution:
Punchline on CBC. This image was not altered.
Image 4 attribution:
Betches love this” This image was not altered.

 

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Categories: Articles

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4 replies

  1. Hey I know Caitlin… she once helped me scare a heard of buffalo away from our water hole… South Africa is small like that…we all know each other…

    Like

  2. Oh very nicely done! Thanks a lot! Now I’ve probably caught this optical STD too (which I originally read as “optional STD” so it’s probably too late for me already!)

    Like

  3. to avoid potato STDs, I believe the recommended procedure is to apply a burlap bag. I understand the proper method is taught in the US in schools to first graders. Some recommend potato abstinence, which has from time to time been known as a potato famine.

    Like

  4. I trusted you, potato…you might have warned me earlier…or at least been spud enough to let me know before the extended contact we’ve been sharing! It would have been respectful to at least let ME decide whether or not I wanted to go ahead and expose myself to a future doomed by the optical std. It’s too late now…may as well continue reading the dumb shit, in between flare-ups, and on days when my eyes aren’t too crusted up with the drippy ooze…

    Like

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