It’s true!!! The two conglomerates have consummated!! In order to demonstrate their love for one another, all Starbucks and Apple retail stores will officially change their store name to Starbapplebucks. As the lovebirds begin producing offspring, you can begin to expect several great new products:
- Lemon pound cake iPads.
- iOS8 flavored Frappuccinos.
- Restrooms located in the iCloud.
- Chocolate chip cookie memory sticks.
- Either a 64 or 128 GB White Chocolate Mocha.
- Wifi enabled paninis (roasted vegetable or turkey rustico)
- New chair sizes in Starbucks stores: iPod for adult; iPod nano for children; iPod shuffle for infants.
- Watch your favorite Starbucks stores!! Apple TV will now include 24/7 live coverage of local Starbucks stores. Catch up on all the latest gossip by watching customers place drink orders, prepare their drinks with sugar and cream, and then consume their beverages!! *Due to legal issues, only audio will be provided in the restrooms.
- Don’t want to leave home to get your favorite Starbucks drink? No problem!! Starbucks will now provide an online option. Order your drinks using various shipping methods: Priority Mail Express (overnight delivery); Priority Mail (1-3 business days); Standard Post (2-8 business days); Media Mail (7-28 business days).
- $299.00 3-year AppleCare protection for any Starbucks drink purchase. This will cover damaged or spilled coffee. *AppleCare does not cover coffee that “got cold.”
- In order to gain awareness about the history of each company, Apple employees will be sent to Columbia for 6 months to harvest coffee beans and Starbucks employees will be sent to China for 6 months to work in sweat-shops constructing Apple products.
- Limited-time only “Selfie-Cups” – Starbucks cups equipped with iPhone camera technology will take selfies of the inside of your mouth while you drink.
- Looking for a little extra flavor? For just $199.99 you can submit a special request to have a pinch of Steve Jobs’s ashes sprinkled on top of your drink or mixed in with food products.
- Also, check out their new iPhone coffee stirrer!
Despite Apple’s renowned reputation of being immune to viruses and malware, rumors are beginning to surface indicating that she had inappropriate relations with Microsoft, who has been referred to as a “dirty whore” that will “sleep with anything.” Apple has denied any such allegations, but then again, Apple is a dirty lying she-whore.
Starbapplebucks would like to thank you for your patience and understanding during this transition. Actually, they don’t really give a shit what you think but we thought it would be nice to end on a positive note.
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“Knowyourmobile.com” by Ben Griffin. This image has not been altered.
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