Thirty-nine year old, Donald Johnson, recently purchased an electronic fitness bracelet to track his daily fitness activities, such as steps taken and calories burned.
After just two days of wearing the bracelet Mr. Johnson’s suspicions of leading a completely inactive lifestyle were confirmed. He told sources, “Yeah I always thought I was lazy, but I never knew how lazy. It turns out that I’m pretty lazy.” He further stated, “So far for the past three days this thing says I’ve taken 18 steps and burned about 9 calories. At first I was like oh man 18 steps, that’s a lot considering that about 10 of them were to get the bracelet off my desk and put it on. And 9 calories, I think that’s a lot. I don’t really know though because fast-food wrappers don’t tell you how many calories are in their stuff. So 9 calories could be like a few cheeseburgers or something.”
Mr. Johnson also told sources that he has found ways to become active without being active. First, he tried attaching the bracelet to his cat’s leg (Duncan, pictured above on Mr. Johnson’s lap). Although he thought Duncan might take more steps than his current record of 18, it turns out that Duncan is also a lazy piece of shit. Mr. Johnson then figured out if he attaches the bracelet to his ceiling fan, his step count for each day equals approximately 600 miles and he burns 28,572 calories. Mr. Johnson told sources that it feels pretty awesome to have an active lifestlye.