Man confirms inactive lifestyle with fitness bracelet

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Thirty-nine year old, Donald Johnson, recently purchased an electronic fitness bracelet to track his daily fitness activities, such as steps taken and calories burned.

After just two days of wearing the bracelet Mr. Johnson’s suspicions of leading a completely inactive lifestyle were confirmed. He told sources, “Yeah I always thought I was lazy, but I never knew how lazy. It turns out that I’m pretty lazy.” He further stated, “So far for the past three days this thing says I’ve taken 18 steps and burned about 9 calories. At first I was like oh man 18 steps, that’s a lot considering that about 10 of them were to get the bracelet off my desk and put it on. And 9 calories, I think that’s a lot. I don’t really know though because fast-food wrappers don’t tell you how many calories are in their stuff. So 9 calories could be like a few cheeseburgers or something.”

Mr. Johnson also told sources that he has found ways to become active without being active. First, he tried attaching the bracelet to his cat’s leg (Duncan, pictured above on Mr. Johnson’s lap). Although he thought Duncan might take more steps than his current record of 18, it turns out that Duncan is also a lazy piece of shit.  Mr. Johnson then figured out if he attaches the bracelet to his ceiling fan, his step count for each day equals approximately 600 miles and he burns 28,572 calories. Mr. Johnson told sources that it feels pretty awesome to have an active lifestlye.

 

Image attribution:
Flickr man with his cat” by wintersoul1.

 

 

 



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46 replies

  1. Reblogged this on Lagniappe Publishing and commented:
    And a new self-help / diet fad is born. Confessions of a self help writer “people will buy thousands of dollars worth of diet books before once considering changing their diets” http://bdehaven.com “a new miracle revolution in lifestyles!”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. God, oh God! Why did I have to bring up the alien attack? I must have had too many potatoes to drink that night. I apologize but I’m still gonna eat my COOL RANCH chips. But not the whole bag at one time…maybe. If I talk about the attack, I’ve definitely had too many COOL RANCH chips again.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This confirms what I already thought….you can burn a lot of calories thinking about what others can do for you. Thank you potato guys. By the way, I love potato chips. Especially now that they come in so many different flavors.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This made me laugh quite a bit, oh oh oh,what a character.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I just have an idea he can burn more calories by tying the bracelet to the dog’s Tail, instead of the leg!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I can say Donald is on the right track toning his legs with his cat lying on top of him. My cat weighs twenty pounds and when he lies on my stomach it exercises my abdomen. Those devices aren’t sensitive enough to pick up this sort of nuance!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Good one! Wonder how many calories I burn up selecting an Emoji? 😺

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Love the sarcasm. Great stuff!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I think this is my all time favourite article.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Do you actually write this stuff? You are a riot. I have a similarly twisted and warped sense of humor…I could be in a personal paradise if I wrote stuff like this…I picked more serious framework for this blog, my only blog, so I cannot get out and show off my weirdness…I am in envy that you can flaunt yours. That’s why I love the Potato. If you ever have an opportunity for a guest post I’d love to give it a shot…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Haha I do write all this stuff! It’s fun! If you have any ideas of stuff you want to write let me know and we could make a post. I did something similar on the post Optical STDs and Cupcakes.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ummm, I have a brain which consistently things of dumb, twisted, and idiot thoughts pretty much on a string…i.e. on the minute, every minute of each lucid hour I am awake and upright. Thank God my head hasn’t imploded…yet. I am a very quick witted improv type. Can’t tell a joke to save my life, but I can rattle off the cuff easily. My last dumb item on the “bucket list” is to do stand-up, at least once, in front of an audience. I’ve accomplished everything else I dreamt up (lots!) but it’s the final item…lol.

        Liked by 1 person

  11. That is my couch and my cat. I’m scared and I am calling my lawyer.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. They say that “slow and steady wins the race”. This guy proves it. 😉

    Liked by 3 people

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