As the USA soccer team continues to progress in the World Cup, many Americans report experiencing emotions which are unknown to mental health professionals. One USA soccer fan told sources, “I don’t know what it is. It’s like I’m happy and excited, but then again I feel terrified and want to cry at the same time.” Another fan said, “Well one minute I was cheering and watching the game and feeling great, and then before I knew it i was stabbing people in the neck. I don’t usually stab people so I really can’t explain how I felt.” Our sources attempted to question a third fan who was curled up in the fetal position laughing hysterically; however, she started biting people as sources approached her, at which time our sources decided it was a good idea to back the fuck away.
Psychologists are also perplexed by these unexplainable emotions. “We just don’t know how to classify them,” said licensed clinical psychologist, Herbert Murphy, PhD. “It would appear that the unpredictability of the USA soccer team actually winning games has led fans to experience emotions that they’ve never felt before.” He further went on to say, “Let’s face it, USA soccer fans are accustomed to feelings such as defeat, loss, anger, boredom, sadness, and frustration. The introduction of new emotions such as excitement and happiness appear to be very difficult for them to process.”
In order to help us understand what the USA soccer fans are feeling, Dr. Murphy stated that it would be like you or me walking down the street and seeing a dinosaur dressed in ballerina attire that speaks Russian and is holding a lemon bundt cake; you wouldn’t know how to feel and you’d probably freak the fuck out, just like the USA soccer fans are doing.