The Onion recently reported that President Obama plans to cut costs by packing weekly lunches for all 318 million Americans (click here for full story). In order to understand the impact this has on the American populace, our sources set out going door-to-door to interview America. After visiting only six houses, however, our sources reportedly saw a really cool rock and spent the remainder of the day looking at it. Our sources stated that they will interview the remaining 317,999,994 Americans tomorrow.
Although it is unclear how the American people feel about receiving these presidentially packed lunches, several high-ranking government officials have voiced their opinions. In a recent press conference, members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff provided the following statements:
General Martin E. Dempsey, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, United States Army: “President Obama has done a great service to our country by providing packed lunches to every American citizen. He even followed through with my request and cut the crust off of my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. God bless America. And God bless Smuckers.”
Admiral James A. Winnefeld, Jr., Vice Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, United States Navy: “I think Gen. Dempsey got my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Mine had a crust. Everyone knows how much I hate the crust.”
General James F. Amos, Commandant of the United States Marine Corps: “Our commander-in-chief sure struck gold with this lunch idea. He even put an extra fruit-cup in my lunch and wrote a special message saying ‘Great job commanding our troops Jamesey-Poo, have a super great day!! Love, Barack-y-bear :)'”
General Mark A. Welsh III, Chief of Staff of the United States Air Force: “Every day at noon it’s like Christmas. I can’t wait to see what my special treat of the day will be! Yesterday was Hershey Kisses and a Twix; who knows what I’ll get today!!”
General Frank J. Grass, Chief of the National Guard Bureau, United States Army: “I don’t know what all the other generals are talking about; this is a horrible idea. Some days I get my peanut butter and jelly sandwich and some days I just get a half-eaten Lean Cuisine. Does the President think I’m fat? Should I lose some weight? I don’t think Obama loves me as much as when I was first called into office. Before you know it I’m going to be replaced with a skinnier and prettier Chief of the National Guard.”
Despite the President’s efforts to cut costs, it is expected that approximately 6% of the American population who are not aware that they have a peanut allergy will experience cardiac arrest and/or anaphylaxis due to the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Most Americans, however, stated that it’s worth the risk for a free lunch.
Source & Image 1 attribution:
“The Onion: Obama to cut costs by packing lunch every day for U.S. populace”
Remaining Image attributions:
“Wikipedia.com: Joint Chiefs of Staff”