Forty-eight-year-old, Donald Ackerman, has been stuck in Ocean Park’s river pool since 2012, spanning the course of three summers. Both the fire department and local police have stated that all rescue attempts have failed, mainly due to the fast-paced rapid inducing waters, which reach speeds up to 1.6 mph.

Although it has been difficult to communicate with Mr. Ackerman, sources stated that he has been able to shout out short sentences as he passes by the entrance to the river pool, such as, “Tell my family I love them,” “I think my skin is starting to wrinkle,” and “Did Suzie get her braces off yet?”

Although tragic, sources stated that Mr. Ackerman has been involved in similar near-death scenarios in the past. His parents told sources that at the age of six, Mr. Ackerman became lost in the ball pen at a local McDonald’s play-ground. He was lost in the 8×12 ft pen for nearly a week, but managed to survive on old french fries which had fallen to the bottom.

Rescue workers are hopeful that they will be able to save him before another winter arrives; however, his chances of survival are significantly decreasing.

Image attribution:
“Washington.cbslocal.com: Best Water Parks and Pools in DC”  by kingsdominion.com

Categories: Articles

Tags: Comedy, funny, news, parody, satire