As stated by The Onion, Orioles rookie catcher, Caleb Joseph, continues to signal “I love you” to pitcher Chris Tillman. Joseph told sources, “I just love him so much and I get to tell him like 200 times a game. If it were up to me, I’d buy him a pony so that we could ride off into the sunset together.” Despite his self-proclaimed love for Tillman, Joseph told sources that Tillman continues to throw things at him, sometimes at speeds reaching 95-100 mph.
The Orioles are also experiencing difficulties with veteran shortstop, J.J. Hardy. Hardy told sources that he still has a hard time remembering the names of all the bases. He’s pretty confident that he knows where first base is; however, he gets confused as the numbers increase to second and third base. He also stated that home plate isn’t even a number, which further confuses him. Hardy is the only pitcher in history who still believes that the pitching mound is fifth base.
The Orioles are also worried about center fielder, Adam Jones, who has trouble understanding why the left and right fielder keep switching positions. Jones stated, “When I’m running out to center field things make sense. I see Alejandro to my left in left field and Nick to my right in right field. I really lose track of things when I get to center field and look back towards home plate though; Alejandro is on my right and Nick is on my left. Do they think this is some kind of joke?”
Lastly, the Orioles franchise has experienced significant difficulties with their 14-year-old water boy, Timmy Brooks, who recently signed a 6 million dollar, 5-year contract with the Orioles. Regardless of whether or not the game is in progress, Timmy will instantly run onto the field and offer a half full Dixie cup of water to any player that looks dehydrated.
Sources: “The Onion: Catcher Keeps Signaling ‘I Love You’” April 18, 2014.
“The Onion: Rookie Infielder Still Learning Names Of Every Base” July 31, 2014.