Recent research shows that no matter how far you punt a small dog, it will immediately return to you and continue to be annoying. The researchers plan to continue this line of research by investigating whether or not the dog… Read More ›
Articles
Welcome to our Articles section; home of our more elaborate news stories. Are you phobic of reading more than 100 words, or just a lazy sack of shit? No sweat, visit the Headlines section!!
New study shows speaking in Boston accent drastically lowers IQ
A new study from the Institute of Language Development shows that speaking in a variety of accents, most notably a Boston accent, immediately lowers your intellectual quotient (IQ) by approximately 23 points. Researchers stated that when participants took on a… Read More ›
Study shows toddlers act like little drunk adults, despite whether or not they are intoxicated
A recent study demonstrated that toddlers act like little drunk adults, despite whether or not they are intoxicated. Dr. Scott Moore and colleagues from the Alcohol and Drug Research Institution had children, ages 2-6, play by themselves in a room…. Read More ›
Chlamydia really looking forward to spring break
As spring break approaches, local sources reported that chlamydia is super excited and preparing to hit the beach. Chlamydia stated that it will probably go to Panama City Beach, FL, and hopes to meet a ton of new people and make lots… Read More ›
Carmax employee has no idea where red Honda Accord located
Carmax employee Greg Holt recently told sources that he has absolutely no idea where to find the red Honda Accord. Although several families have expressed interest in this specific car, Mr. Holt stated that there are like a… Read More ›
Local Teen Waitlisted At ISIS
Originally posted on The Lonely Petunia:
NEW YORK, NY—Despite submitting a solid application and having several letters of recommendation, local teen Jeremy Swanson was put on the ISIS waitlist yesterday, sources confirmed. “I thought my essay titled ‘Death to America’…
Weather woman accurately predicts past weather
Michigan based weather woman, Melissa Blake, gains popularity as she continues to predict past weather with perfect accuracy. Her current weather forecast predicts that there is a 100% chance that it will rain 20 minutes ago. She also stated that… Read More ›
Man has heart removed in order to help decrease risk of future heart attack
Dan Grayson, 42, recently decided to have his heart removed in order to reduce his chances of having a future heart attack. Although Mr. Grayson is in perfect health, he told sources, “Well, you can never be too sure. My… Read More ›
Seahawks’ Super Bowl loss attributed to wrong playbook
Sources reported that the Seattle Seahawks’ loss was attributed to accidentally using the wrong playbook. Apparently, all of the plays called for the Seahawks were directly taken from the playbook created for the Hallmark Hearties from the infamous Kitten Bowl,… Read More ›
ISIS apologizes to US, pushes for 17.5th Peace Amendment
Due to the recent US airstrikes against the Islamic State of Iraq and Al Sham (ISIS), terrorist leader, Abu al-Baghdadi, recently apologized to the United States with an official apology letter and a fruitcake. Although Obama has yet to speak about this apology,… Read More ›
