Sources have just reported that a local man declared his 2015 New Year’s resolution, which is to keep his New Year’s resolution. Image: “Bing.com images“
Headlines
Welcome to our Headlines section, where the news stories are quick and dirty. Are you an overachieving reader? Do you hate this section for absolutely no reason? No sweat, visit our Articles section!!
Ice cream man admits the unthinkable
Sources reported that a local ice cream man recently divulged disturbing news to nine-year-old Trent Wilson. Apparently, he told Trent that each of the six colors of his favorite Fruity Pops all taste the same. Trent later told sources that his world pretty… Read More ›
Healthcare and the elderly
In order to increase physical fitness levels in the elderly population, a bill was recently passed that requires all stores and establishments to move their handicapped parking spots to the spots which are located farthest away from the store…. Read More ›
Study shows that polar bears do not actually prefer Coca-Cola products
Contrary to Coca-Cola’s popular commercials, a recent study demonstrated that polar bears actually prefer fresh blood from a recent kill to a bottle of Coke. After presenting the polar bears with either an injured seal or a refreshing bottle of… Read More ›
In local transportation news…
Woman with cricket chirping ringtone triggers three-month subway closure to fumigate for crickets. Image attribution: “Flickr Ed Yourdon“
Meanwhile at the zoo…
Despite receiving no response, a local man at the zoo continues to plead with a gecko to lower his car insurance deductible. Image attribution: “Flickr Madagascar Giant Day Gecko” by Nick Michalski.
In local library news…
Random guy that nobody knows still playing peekaboo with everyone at library. Image attribution: “bigthink.com”
In local ornithology news…
Phil Spector unaware that birds have been nesting on top of his head for the past three weeks. Image attribution: “3.bp.blogspot.com”
In local online dating news…
Woman excludes approximately 98.2% of the male dating pool by stating that she is looking for a man who is both honest and caring. Image attribution: “Flickr Working on laptop” by Hans Kristian Aas.
Captchas have limited internet usage to Microsoft Word and the calculator
Captchas are used to verify that you are an actual person and not an automated program or “bot.” Although they help to limit spam and increase online security, they are becoming increasingly difficult to read. A recent survey indicated that… Read More ›
